I never did any type of therapy, not that I didn’t believe in it because I wasn’t really comfortable with its idea. Turns out I’ve been depressed the past 6 or so years and was always able to push it aside and “live” with it. This year was different as my depression spiraled out of control. I knew I needed help.
In 2021 I was involved in a bad car accident. After coming to a stop in a traffic jam on a highway, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that the car, driving at high speed was not going to stop. As I relaxed my hands on the steering wheel the car smashed into me. As the car comes crashing through — a million questions fill my mind — Why am I here? Why am I not happy? Am I living a good life? Did I marry right? Am I raising my kids correctly? What am I supposed to do? Why am I so scared? This triggered my depression to overflow. I was home for a few weeks. Which during my depression got hold of me. I could barely function. Working was hard, family life was hard. Fucking breathing was hard. I felt like I was carrying a 1-ton boulder in my heart every day. And every day it was getting heavier and heavier. I decided that I needed help.
I started reading articles on depression and then it turned into psychedelic-assisted therapy. It turns out that the subject opened a whole new world of learning and curiosity that I haven’t felt in years. Started with 1 book on ayahuasca (The Healing Power of Ayahuasca by Marc McLean) and now I’m on my 5th book on various subjects of psychedelic-assisted therapies.
In the middle of my third book, I decided I needed to give this a try. If psychedelics can help the terminally ill, PTSD & addiction, I know it could help me. 10 years in a session sounded really promising.
After years of holding in feelings, it was time to let them go. It took me a while to find a therapist that also specializes in psychedelic-assisted therapy and started going to weekly sessions where we talked about my family, my brother, my wife and kids work, and everything else that would come up. Talking helped but there was always something being blocked as not everything came out… until… my MDMA session.
I got a document with a diet and a list of things I should take into account before the session. I came in at around 16:00 to find a small pill in a bowl and a bell sitting next to it. Before the session started we went over the rules and what would and might happen. To fend off dangerous spirits I was “bathed” with burning sage. It was a little odd for me, but I was ready for change and open to anything that will help. I swallowed the pill and waited and mediated for around 30–40 min or so and the therapist came back. We started talking a little more about intention and what types of issues I wanted to address.
One thing I was keen on addressing was the complicated relationship I have with my twin brother. I haven’t had the best relationship with my brother. We don’t talk much and when we do talk it’s pretty shallow. I’m never the one initiating the conversation and I’m not that nice. For some reason, I’m always kind of mad at him… not really sure why.
During my session with MDMA I was able to see a different angle of our upbringing. As I’m conversing with my therapist I’m able to go back and step into my brother’s shoes seeing the world through his perspective. I felt how he felt when my parents and teachers didn’t trust him. He felt really frustrated that he was always pushed on to me. I realized that all these years he was not the one I was actually mad at. I was pissed at my parents for pushing him on me all the time but at the same time, I understand why they did it. More importantly, I realized that I’m a piece of shit and I need to change.
That realization transformed my whole relationship with my brother. It’s been a months now and I have spoken to him more than I ever have with no hard feelings. It’s absolutely amazing. I thank my therapist and more importantly, I thank MDMA. As it has helped me get past my problems. This was my first step into psychedelic therapy and it helped immensely. It didn’t solve all my problems but it did solve one that has been with me for years. These types of medicines and do wonders. If done correctly in a therapeutic environment with professionals.
To say the least this past year was difficult & transformative. I learned a lot about myself. And wouldn’t change it for the world. MDMA was the first medicine I took which started me on a path of self-discovery.
