Psychedelics have the potential to help with depression, but there’s more to their healing capabilities than that. Psychedelics have the power to dramatically change your perspective on life in general. I am a believer in this, and I can attest that it’s true; I’ve experienced it firsthand at the Acsauhaya Retreat Center in the Netherlands.
It turns out I’ve been functionally depressed for around 6 years. What it meant was that I could work and do everything, and I was “fine” most of the time but depression & self doubt were always there in the back of my mind. However, in the beginning of 2021, after a major car accident, it began to spiral. I had problems at home, I felt my career wasn’t going anywhere, and I was on the verge of burnout. I felt like I was carrying a 10 ton boulder in my chest, and there was nothing I could do to escape the feeling. Every day the bolder got heavier and heavier. Working was extremely difficult. which also drove me nuts because work was never a problem for me. I loved the company I work for. I couldn’t get rid of the feeling. I started researching depression.
I came across a few articles on depression and psychedelics, which struck my interest. 10 years of therapy in a few sessions sounded really promising. I had experience with psychedelics; I just never realized that they could be used to make me “better”. The more I read, the more it made sense. I jumped down the rabbit hole and started reading as much as I could. It gave me hope and an understanding of what I would be getting myself into.
After my eye opening experience with MDMA and Psilocybin, I had to try Ayahuasca.
Ayahuasca, which is known as the medicine of the earth and the grandmother spirit of the soul, uses two plants, the Banisteriopsis caapi vine and the Psychotria viridis leaf, to induce psychedelic experiences. Indigenous groups in South America have long used ayahuasca, which has a reputation for curing physical and mental illnesses, bringing wisdom, and raising spiritual consciousness. In recent years, it has become more popular among people with no prior ties to these cultures. The ayahuasca experience can extend up to 5 hours and has healing properties for anyone who drinks it.
Day 1 – The ceremony took place in a yurt in the Netherlands countryside. Before taking my first sip of ayahuasca, I was asked for my intention. Not sure which intention to choose, I asked many:
- Who am I?
- Why am I here?
- Why am I not happy?
- What should I do with my life?
- Why me?
I drank my first cup. I waited an hour and then took my second cup. Ayahuasca has a distinct taste to it. For me, it tasted like espresso that had been left out for a few years.
I don’t remember much from my first experience other than the beautiful music in the background. I remember a lot of jumping from one subject to another, but nothing stuck. My interpretation of the experience was that I asked too much instead of trusting the medicine.
Day 2 – After a lot of thinking over night I understood my intention. “Show me what I need to see.”
The experience I had wasn’t a visual one, but I fell in love with myself and learned to accept me. I remember hugging myself for hours and saying out loud, “I love me. I love me; it’s great to be me.” Until that moment, I had never really accepted or loved myself very much. My sense of self-worth has drastically changed as a result of one experience. It was life-changing.
San Pedro (Trichocereus pachanoi), is a psychedelic cactus native to Peru, has been used for centuries by indigenous healers as a powerful way to get in touch with your subconscious mind. It contains mescaline, a psychoactive alkaloid that triggers profound changes in perception and thought. These effects can be profoundly healing.
Day 4 – In contrast to ayahuasca, a San Pedro experience extends to nine hours or more. As it was my first time, I didn’t know what to expect. We were told it’s something like ayahuasca. However, for me, it was 100000% more. San Pedro came in a powder that you mix with water and drink. Didn’t sound so bad in the explanations, but I still get chills when I think of it. The duration of the experience is around 9 hours and more, 5 would be spent in the yurt and the rest outside.…
Vision 1 – As my first vision began, as a flashback, I was visiting my great-grandparents. Seeing them, I run up to them, hug them, and say “I missed you so much; it’s such a shame you didn’t get to meet my kids”. With a smirk on their faces and without moving my head, I see them walking back around to the back of my head, entering the back of my head, I can feel them traveling though my brain and look through my eyes, and say, we see your kids all the time, through your eyes. You’re doing an amazing job; continue doing what you’re doing; everything is going to be great. Everything is going according to plan. Believe in yourself; you know what you need to do; just do it and stop doubting yourself already!
I look forward to seeing my kids standing there. They are standing there smiling and talking among themselves. I look at them and notice that they are growing before my eyes, becoming young adults, growing up. At that moment, I knew that all would turn out well. While all this is going on, my grandparents from Israel also come along and join my great grandparents in my head, and they said the same thing in Hebrew that everything is going to be okay; just believe in yourself and do what you want to do. It was eye-opening, to say the least.
Vision 2 – I looked at my fingers. Above my fingers, I see a galaxy, I move my fingers and swoosh another galaxy and another… I start traveling through space through an infinite number of galaxies, realizing that there is no way in hell that we are alone.
Vision 3 – I look to the left side of me and see three transparent doors.
- Door 1 – Past
- Door 2 – Present
- Door 3 – Future
I stand up and start jumping through time, and go into the past then jump into the future, and then back to the present. I do this several times. In one of these jumps, I see a ton of people in a large room. Suddenly I “zoom” into their DNA or my DNA. I see hundreds of strands in front of me. They all look the same, just a small part of the DNA strand is different. Making me realize that we are all pretty much the same, just a small part isn’t. Reminding me that we all need to be kind, selfless, and respectful to our surroundings. Love and respect as my great grandparents always used to say.
Time passes, and we are allowed to go outside. Looking at the sky, I see everything is connected in a type of wireframe. I see a plane and a bird flying. Before each of them, I see a line dictating their flight path and where they are going to fly. Amazed, I look down. In front of me are a ton of insects flying in geometrical shapes. As with the plane, I see their flight paths and where they are going to fly, and I see 3D geometrical shapes in front of me with bugs flying in straight lines, creating these amazing shapes. Nothing is random; everything is connected. Geometry is everywhere. We are all connected in one way or another. This experience changed my life, creating a lasting positive shift in how I perceive myself and the world around me.
Legalizing psychedelics isn’t just about helping people get over mental health issues — it’s also about helping them stay mentally healthy. However, this route is not for everyone. Do your own research, ask your medical professional questions, read books, listen to podcasts, and learn as much as you can about these medicines before diving in. Speak with the organizers of a retreat before selecting one. If you feel uneasy, I would recommend waiting or finding another location. Dieta or diet is very important; try to come as clean as possible. It’s said that when you hear the call of ayahuasca, you will find a space. Integration is an extremely important step in the healing process. After a session, I would recommend not returning immediately to real life. Take a few days off to reflect on what you went through and slowly get back to reality.
These experiences have helped me become the person that I am now. I’m not depressed. I accept myself and love myself. I’ve been able to put up boundaries that I never thought would be possible. I started listening to myself instead of others. I’ve gotten back into art, started drawing and creating digital art. I’m on the path to understanding what I would like to do with the rest of my time on this planet… I have changed in the best way possible. I’m able to work without any issues. Family life has gotten much better as well. I now understand that psychedelics are medicines that can be used safely to address many of our society’s most challenging mental health conditions, including end-of-life anxiety, depression, and addiction. They should be available to those who need them.
Recommended Books on the subject:
- How to change your mind — Michal Pollen
- Psychedelics and Psychotherapy — Tim Read / Maria Papaspyrou
- Changing our minds — Don Lattin
- The healing power of ayahuasca — Marc McLean
- Realms of the Human Unconscious — Stanislav Grof
- Scared Knowledge — William A. Richards
- The Antipodes of the Mind — Benny Shanon
Recommended Podcast:
